Experiences with God...

For those who know me, know I am a believer in dreams.  The ones you have in the night that sometimes puzzle you or startle you with wonder.  Most of us live lives that try to ignore that in which we cannot grasp and just dismiss and deny aspects of our lives that we cannot solve the mystery in.  We like things neat, orderly, and logical.  Usually dreams are not this way; they are symbolic, scattered, hard to follow and puzzling.  Kind of like life, but maybe that is just my life and I can only speak for myself.  But I do believe there is a higher voice speaking to us through our dreams.  Pointing to what is going on inside of us, where the real house cleaning is taking place, our outside appearance in reality is just an illusion of what we want others to see.  What goes on within is where the magic and eternal work is taking place.  Wisdom speaks that to clean the outside of the cup without cleaning what is within is worthless, pure hypocrisy.  We are masters at appearances.  So if our dreams are pointing to some mess within; often we'd rather not look at it and just dismiss it.  So we go buy some new clothes, work on a project, or clean the house, all to make us feel and look better, but inside we are still a mess and nothing changes.  So what is my point in all of this.  For today it is a recognition of something within myself that has been there as long as I can remember, at least since my early teens.  My dreams last night again pointing to this.  It's frustrating because I have acknowledged this struggle, seen it, know what it is; but I seem to be powerless to overcome it.  I can resist the temptations it brings for a time, but healing has been elusive.  The only way I can describe this is like a man who is engaged to the woman of his dreams, she is everything he has ever wanted, her beauty and grace unequaled.  When together there is never another place he would rather be.  She helps him to become the man he was created to be as he does with her.  All is well but yet there are times when he senses something not right within him.  He notices another face in a crowd and is drawn to her beauty, has a laugh with another woman and wants to know more about her.  At first he dismisses it, pretends he didn't think what he just did,  "There are many beautiful women in the world and to notice doesn't hurt.  I'm human after all."  But some of the light he and his bride to be fades the next time they are together.  He thinks to himself, "if she thought about other men as I do sometimes with women I wouldn't like it, but it's not as if I'm consciously looking everyone does this."  But over time the light and wonder between the couple fades away.  He could never follow through on such a desire and pursue anyone, he couldn't hurt her that way.  So He resists, says no, distances himself from those who spark that interest.  The same spark he had when he met his bride to be.  Heartfelt intimacy becomes scarce and the relationship becomes more cordial than real.  In an act of desperation to recapture what He is losing, He even confesses to friend about being drawn to other women.  His friend reassures him that this is natural, "Don't be so hard on yourself, that is the way life is.  The flame of love burns bright at first but then just settles into smoldering fire, flaming higher at times, but usually it is just a slow smoldering burn.  Just don't act on your desires, that's what we all do."  Getting out the feelings seemed to help some but it the problem is still there and arises again at a later time.  This time he shares his thoughts with his bride to be, He can see she is hurt but he is careful to assure her that these are only thoughts (he won't use the word desire since it's at a heart level and thinks it would hurt her more), there is no one who even comes close to her but since he sensed a distance between them he wanted to clear his side of the street hoping that being "real" would reopen those lines of intimacy that seem to be blocked.  Full disclosure is not an option, it would seem cruel and after all this is his problem, he thinks to himself, not hers.  This again seems to bring some relief and some tender moments are shared as some tears flow from his face as He shares what he can.  Her loving eyes never unlocking from his, though he cannot look upon them for long without glancing away.  All seems to go well again for a while but again the same desires appear and notices himself staring at a woman on the train to work.  They make eye contact and a natural smile appears on his face, she smiles back, feeling alive again, he turns away again thinking of his bride.  That night he even dreams about the woman on the train after having dinner with his bride to be.  How can this be, how can a man have 2 hearts? Or such a divided one?  He feels it's only a matter of time now and it seems the chasm between them is widening again and they are just going through the motions of what is supposed to be happening between them.  The dullness of the relationship is setting in and it that seems to be the only "truth" between them, dullness, boredom, the motions without an engaged heart.  He believes the lie that she has stopped loving him and thinks she has lost respect for him since in his heart He has lost respect for himself.  He sees himself at an impossible impasse, pursue what is forbidden and feel alive again, or resign yourself to what is "right", resist, deny, and just exist.  What he cannot see is that both are unfair to his bride, neither option is good for her but how can a divided and broken heart be healed?  It seemed healed at the onset of the relationship, at for moments scattered throughout the courtship as they opened up their hearts to one another without the fear of rejection; sharing their hopes, dreams, thoughts, lives, experiences and desires, even their fears and failures.  Nothing was off limits, understanding, compassion, adventure and love were the lot of the day, he couldn't wait to see and hear from her again, walk hand in hand wherever life may lead them.  She even seemed to be in tune to what he was thinking without saying it, and he could anticipate her feelings or be able to break through a difficult moment with just the right word or touch.  Now all is lost or so it seems, those are but distant memories and he is stuck at the impossible impasse.  A place He's been at before long before He even met her.