Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Time to walk in the Sun...
Recently in my life I have had an extreme brokenness that will not heal. I cannot hear God’s voice as clearly as I need to heal whatever this wound is that lies deep in my heart. Now on 4 occasions in the last month, I have been driven to a brokenness that in my past has been replaced with comfort and joy after the mourning is over.
For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. (Psalm 30:5 Emphasis mine)
This has not been the case recently. The 4 occasions are: reading “The Christmas Sweater” by Glenn Beck, “The Shack”, by Wm. Paul Young, reading the passing of John Eldredge’s family pet Scout, pages 121-127 “Walking with God”, and 2 nights ago watching the movie “Prince Caspian”
In all of these occasions I wept bitterly, something deep in my heart aching for God to fill and heal, though on all occasions, it doesn’t happen. I’m left wondering. I do receive some comfort in His presence, but I do not hear his Voice here. Each night, I blow my nose, wash my face, and go to sleep, unable to put into words what is going on. The joy and freedom do not come in the morning.
Today, I have some time. My workload is light and I can write. It’s been some time since I’ve done this. I always fear that it’s just the rambling of an incoherent man that can’t be understood. Without God in this it is all a waste of time. I reread some of my past writings and I can’t believe how good they are, it feels like someone else wrote them. They move me to tears. So now it’s on my heart to write down what I tried to over 4 years ago and couldn’t put into words, but there may be a clue as to what is happening now. God’s words that night are Crystal clear now, and the joy came the next morning, unlike anything I had ever experienced. A broken part of me was healed.
I believe the year was 2004 and I was living in San Antonio, TX. I was unemployed and the only work I could find was as a pizza delivery contractor being paid by delivery. No hourly pay. My unemployment was $300.00 per week and I had to deduct (after my expenses) my pizza pay from that. No one would hire me. I went from making more money than I could spend to just getting by. My unemployment would run out and still no job. Everything I had trusted in the world is now gone, but that is another story. During this time I was introduced to the books of John Eldredge starting with “The Sacred Romance” which has started putting my in touch with my heart, being central to Christianity. Without knowing it, I had become a man who hadn’t shed a tear in 10 years; devoid of emotion, completely self sufficient; knowing the Bible but not really experiencing it since my conversion. All my self protecting walls were starting to crack, and this night they would fall.
It was a normal evening for the most part. It was time for bed and I liked to read a chapter from my current book before falling asleep. I was reading “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge. Tonight was Chapter 7, Healing to Wound. I didn’t want to read. Not tonight, I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll just go to sleep. I could sense God saying “No, we are going to do this now.” I took 2 shots of Nyquil to force the sleep. I did not want to deal with this, I was irritated. I lay in bed wide awake. Nothing worked, I couldn’t sleep. He wouldn’t let me go, this was going to happen tonight. Reservedly, I turned on the lamp next to my bed and opened the book and read the Chapter. To be honest I don’t remember specifically what I read, there is not one quote that jumps out now but the journey I was about to take was unmistakable.
After reading I could feel God telling me to go find a poem I had written shortly after I had became a Christian. This had been long since buried as with most of the unfulfilled desires of my heart. But I know right where it was kept.
I work to make money,
for that special person One Day.
The One who will dry my tears
When they flow and say it’s OK
For the One waiting when I return
And thanks me for all the wonderful
Things I do for her.
I save my money to one day
To support a family.
I save my love to share with the
One who’s always there.
For Christ is my life, yet my heart
Longs for the touch of a woman
Of all things her touch is what I miss
Her comfort and love of one to lay beside
Wrapped in my arms kept safe
From the world.
I keep in shape to one day impress
My love, with strength and courage
To be the best that I can be.
One that she’s not embarrassed by but
Can say with joy that I am hers
And that she is mine.
I’m in my mid-thirties as this point in my life, I am still single, twice engaged, but still never married. I wrote this not long after breaking up with the woman I was first engaged to. I was maybe 20 years old, and a Christian for less that a year. This is not an easy place to go. I looked at those desires as bad, unchristian. I should be able to get along with only God, I don’t need a woman, Jesus didn’t. Now God’s words for me are clear. Those desires are good. I put them in you. This is part of your true heart I created, your heart is good!
Tears start to flow, but only as a dam springing a leak…
Next we go to music; music is a place where God speaks to me often. My earliest memory I have is playing music with my grandfather while in the hospital at 2 years old. I take out the song “Good Enough” by Sarah McLachlan. There are 2 places in the song that spring to life, most of the 1st verse and the chorus. Now I am about to lose some of you here because part of what God used to speak to me includes a cuss word. Your mind may close at all I am about to say because you don’t believe that God would speak through this. I was just like that.
Hey your glass is empty
it's a hell of a long way home
why don't you let me take you
it's no good to go alone
I never would have opened up
but you seemed so real to me
after all the bullshit I've heard
it's refreshing not to see
( I don't have to pretend
she doesn't expect it from me. )
Don't tell me I haven't been good to you
don't tell me I have never been there for you
don't tell me why
nothing is good enough
Last Chorus:
so just let me try
and I will be good to you
just let me try
and I will be there for you
I'll show you why
you're so much more than good enough...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AcJ_Z4J1hc
The sense I have is that God is opening up to me because I’m being real and honest and this pleases Him, and so many who come to Him are not quite that open and neither is He. (God was not in the last 2 lines of the 1st verse, in Italics)
The other words I hear clearly are “Michael, you will never be good enough, but I Am”
There is much more I can write on this but this is huge for my striving heart, trying and trying to “get it right!” The Dam of my heart continues to crumble, the tears a flowing more freely but we are not finished yet. The collapse must be complete.
More music:
True Companion – Marc Cohn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnaC6cgUmXc
Baby Ive been searching like everybody else
Cant say nothing different about myself
Sometimes Im an angel
And sometimes Im cruel
And when it comes to love
Im just another fool
Yes, Ill climb a mountain
Im gonna swim the sea
There aint no act of God girl
Could keep you safe from me
My arms are reaching out
Out across this canyon
Im asking you to be my true companion
True companion
True companion
So dont you dare and try to walk away
Ive got my heart set on our wedding day
Ive got this vision of a girl in white
Made my decision that its you allright
And when I take your hand
Ill watch my heart set sail
Ill take my trembling fingers
And Ill lift up your veil
Then Ill take you home
And with wild abandon
Make love to you just like a true companion
You are my true companion
I got a true companion
True companion
When the years have done irreparable harm
I can see us walking slowly arm in arm
Just like the couple on the corner do
cause girl I will always be in love with you
And when I look in your eyes
Ill still see that spark
Until the shadows fall
Until the room grows dark
Then when I leave this earth
Ill be with the angels standin
Ill be out there waiting for my true companion
Just for my true companion
True companion
True companion
I can remember playing this song kneeling in front of my bed, I am completely broken now. The weeping in uncontrollable, the shaking, the tears. All I’ve ever desired is encompassed in that song. I even sang it once to a woman I loved whom I could sing to. I was young, love was possible, even something to believe in. My life experience had seemed to prove that all of that was a lie, she is gone, I am alone. I’ve only found pain, betrayal, unfaithfulness, and hurt in the love I’ve experienced. Why this song?
“Michael, as much as you have ever wanted to love someone, I have loved you more.”
As a I heard God speak those words, in an instant, I could see all the places that God had stayed with me through, all the pain I had caused Him because of His love for me, He never left me even in the darkest places I had traveled. Mexican mafia, drugs, prostitutes, and the like. He was there and what pain it must have caused Him to see one He loved so much destroy himself as I saw in a similar way the one I loved so much destroy herself. I am so sorry…
I don’t remember falling asleep that night, the last I remember is the comfort, forgiveness, and closeness I felt to God. I woke the next day with a joy, peace, and clarity I had not known since my conversion but even more. A happy song is in my heart! What a beautiful day and the sun is shining! It’s time to walk in the Son…
For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. (Psalm 30:5 Emphasis mine)
This has not been the case recently. The 4 occasions are: reading “The Christmas Sweater” by Glenn Beck, “The Shack”, by Wm. Paul Young, reading the passing of John Eldredge’s family pet Scout, pages 121-127 “Walking with God”, and 2 nights ago watching the movie “Prince Caspian”
In all of these occasions I wept bitterly, something deep in my heart aching for God to fill and heal, though on all occasions, it doesn’t happen. I’m left wondering. I do receive some comfort in His presence, but I do not hear his Voice here. Each night, I blow my nose, wash my face, and go to sleep, unable to put into words what is going on. The joy and freedom do not come in the morning.
Today, I have some time. My workload is light and I can write. It’s been some time since I’ve done this. I always fear that it’s just the rambling of an incoherent man that can’t be understood. Without God in this it is all a waste of time. I reread some of my past writings and I can’t believe how good they are, it feels like someone else wrote them. They move me to tears. So now it’s on my heart to write down what I tried to over 4 years ago and couldn’t put into words, but there may be a clue as to what is happening now. God’s words that night are Crystal clear now, and the joy came the next morning, unlike anything I had ever experienced. A broken part of me was healed.
I believe the year was 2004 and I was living in San Antonio, TX. I was unemployed and the only work I could find was as a pizza delivery contractor being paid by delivery. No hourly pay. My unemployment was $300.00 per week and I had to deduct (after my expenses) my pizza pay from that. No one would hire me. I went from making more money than I could spend to just getting by. My unemployment would run out and still no job. Everything I had trusted in the world is now gone, but that is another story. During this time I was introduced to the books of John Eldredge starting with “The Sacred Romance” which has started putting my in touch with my heart, being central to Christianity. Without knowing it, I had become a man who hadn’t shed a tear in 10 years; devoid of emotion, completely self sufficient; knowing the Bible but not really experiencing it since my conversion. All my self protecting walls were starting to crack, and this night they would fall.
It was a normal evening for the most part. It was time for bed and I liked to read a chapter from my current book before falling asleep. I was reading “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge. Tonight was Chapter 7, Healing to Wound. I didn’t want to read. Not tonight, I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll just go to sleep. I could sense God saying “No, we are going to do this now.” I took 2 shots of Nyquil to force the sleep. I did not want to deal with this, I was irritated. I lay in bed wide awake. Nothing worked, I couldn’t sleep. He wouldn’t let me go, this was going to happen tonight. Reservedly, I turned on the lamp next to my bed and opened the book and read the Chapter. To be honest I don’t remember specifically what I read, there is not one quote that jumps out now but the journey I was about to take was unmistakable.
After reading I could feel God telling me to go find a poem I had written shortly after I had became a Christian. This had been long since buried as with most of the unfulfilled desires of my heart. But I know right where it was kept.
I work to make money,
for that special person One Day.
The One who will dry my tears
When they flow and say it’s OK
For the One waiting when I return
And thanks me for all the wonderful
Things I do for her.
I save my money to one day
To support a family.
I save my love to share with the
One who’s always there.
For Christ is my life, yet my heart
Longs for the touch of a woman
Of all things her touch is what I miss
Her comfort and love of one to lay beside
Wrapped in my arms kept safe
From the world.
I keep in shape to one day impress
My love, with strength and courage
To be the best that I can be.
One that she’s not embarrassed by but
Can say with joy that I am hers
And that she is mine.
I’m in my mid-thirties as this point in my life, I am still single, twice engaged, but still never married. I wrote this not long after breaking up with the woman I was first engaged to. I was maybe 20 years old, and a Christian for less that a year. This is not an easy place to go. I looked at those desires as bad, unchristian. I should be able to get along with only God, I don’t need a woman, Jesus didn’t. Now God’s words for me are clear. Those desires are good. I put them in you. This is part of your true heart I created, your heart is good!
Tears start to flow, but only as a dam springing a leak…
Next we go to music; music is a place where God speaks to me often. My earliest memory I have is playing music with my grandfather while in the hospital at 2 years old. I take out the song “Good Enough” by Sarah McLachlan. There are 2 places in the song that spring to life, most of the 1st verse and the chorus. Now I am about to lose some of you here because part of what God used to speak to me includes a cuss word. Your mind may close at all I am about to say because you don’t believe that God would speak through this. I was just like that.
Hey your glass is empty
it's a hell of a long way home
why don't you let me take you
it's no good to go alone
I never would have opened up
but you seemed so real to me
after all the bullshit I've heard
it's refreshing not to see
( I don't have to pretend
she doesn't expect it from me. )
Don't tell me I haven't been good to you
don't tell me I have never been there for you
don't tell me why
nothing is good enough
Last Chorus:
so just let me try
and I will be good to you
just let me try
and I will be there for you
I'll show you why
you're so much more than good enough...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AcJ_Z4J1hc
The sense I have is that God is opening up to me because I’m being real and honest and this pleases Him, and so many who come to Him are not quite that open and neither is He. (God was not in the last 2 lines of the 1st verse, in Italics)
The other words I hear clearly are “Michael, you will never be good enough, but I Am”
There is much more I can write on this but this is huge for my striving heart, trying and trying to “get it right!” The Dam of my heart continues to crumble, the tears a flowing more freely but we are not finished yet. The collapse must be complete.
More music:
True Companion – Marc Cohn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnaC6cgUmXc
Baby Ive been searching like everybody else
Cant say nothing different about myself
Sometimes Im an angel
And sometimes Im cruel
And when it comes to love
Im just another fool
Yes, Ill climb a mountain
Im gonna swim the sea
There aint no act of God girl
Could keep you safe from me
My arms are reaching out
Out across this canyon
Im asking you to be my true companion
True companion
True companion
So dont you dare and try to walk away
Ive got my heart set on our wedding day
Ive got this vision of a girl in white
Made my decision that its you allright
And when I take your hand
Ill watch my heart set sail
Ill take my trembling fingers
And Ill lift up your veil
Then Ill take you home
And with wild abandon
Make love to you just like a true companion
You are my true companion
I got a true companion
True companion
When the years have done irreparable harm
I can see us walking slowly arm in arm
Just like the couple on the corner do
cause girl I will always be in love with you
And when I look in your eyes
Ill still see that spark
Until the shadows fall
Until the room grows dark
Then when I leave this earth
Ill be with the angels standin
Ill be out there waiting for my true companion
Just for my true companion
True companion
True companion
I can remember playing this song kneeling in front of my bed, I am completely broken now. The weeping in uncontrollable, the shaking, the tears. All I’ve ever desired is encompassed in that song. I even sang it once to a woman I loved whom I could sing to. I was young, love was possible, even something to believe in. My life experience had seemed to prove that all of that was a lie, she is gone, I am alone. I’ve only found pain, betrayal, unfaithfulness, and hurt in the love I’ve experienced. Why this song?
“Michael, as much as you have ever wanted to love someone, I have loved you more.”
As a I heard God speak those words, in an instant, I could see all the places that God had stayed with me through, all the pain I had caused Him because of His love for me, He never left me even in the darkest places I had traveled. Mexican mafia, drugs, prostitutes, and the like. He was there and what pain it must have caused Him to see one He loved so much destroy himself as I saw in a similar way the one I loved so much destroy herself. I am so sorry…
I don’t remember falling asleep that night, the last I remember is the comfort, forgiveness, and closeness I felt to God. I woke the next day with a joy, peace, and clarity I had not known since my conversion but even more. A happy song is in my heart! What a beautiful day and the sun is shining! It’s time to walk in the Son…
