Thursday, April 08, 2010
If We only Knew...
The last 3 days or so I feel I've been going spiritually backwards. Now I know the Lord never leaves us but sometimes it feels like He does. Remember Jesus's words on the Cross, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me." Bearing Sin, it felt to Him, one who had never known sin and in being so, never knowing what it was like to not live in His presence, seeing the Father at all times. Now, all has gone black. He can't see God, he can't sense him, he can't hear Him. He feels forsaken. He is not, I do not believe the Father left or turned his back on the Son at the time of his worst trial. "God can't bear to look upon sin" is a bunch of religious garbage, that would mean God lied to Jesus and to us when he said, never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. Sin keeps us from looking at God, not the other way around. The Lord did not hide in Eden, Adam and Eve did. Even in your own life, does the Father hide from you, turn away when you sin? No it's the other way around. The Father longs for you to come to Him even in your sin, and He now through Jesus provides a way to continually refresh the relationship between us no matter what we have done. Even those who have left home he continually looks and waits for their return.
How did I go off on that tangent? I guess it really connects. Lately I haven't been able to hear, sense, or see the Lord for what seems like a while. It's maybe been 2 or 3 days tops, but usually I can at least sense His presense most of the day. If I go on a walk to spend time with him, there will be some sort of hearing or revelation that will bring joy, or even just a knowing of the Spirit that He is with me. Or even when in the car a song will come on that I can hear Him speak to me through. Lately, nothing...
I start to feel I'm just screwing up again, taking my life back from His hands. Seeking my will... There may be some truth in that but I'm not even being clear on His gentle hand of correction.
After a quick stop at the gym this morning, my body refusing to loosen up with stretching; I go down to the river where I sometimes pray and seek Him. I'm irritated that I have no energy, my body is feeling the 40 years it is. I still occasionally get zits, one near my neck hurts, that should have been over as a teenager. Zits and Age spots, great! My joy is sunken, I wonder what the heck I'm doing. I'm spending money like I have it to spend, I don't. I'm feeling insecure, lost confidence. Didn't even say hello to someone I wanted to at the gym, just kept to myself. There is just a lot swimming around up in my head and I'm really not sure how to break free...
I walk along the river, stretch a little more at a place I like to stretch my hamstrings, and I just watch the river flow... The thought crosses my mind (I'd say the Holy Spirit), "If we only knew..." There is so much to those few words. If we only knew the heart of God, all he longs to give us, all His desire towards us, all He has provided and prepared. But it comes down to "If We Only Knew Him and He Is"...
Suddenly the birds are singing again, a tiny bird lands a few feet from me and brings a smile to me as watch him peck around without a care in the world...
How did I go off on that tangent? I guess it really connects. Lately I haven't been able to hear, sense, or see the Lord for what seems like a while. It's maybe been 2 or 3 days tops, but usually I can at least sense His presense most of the day. If I go on a walk to spend time with him, there will be some sort of hearing or revelation that will bring joy, or even just a knowing of the Spirit that He is with me. Or even when in the car a song will come on that I can hear Him speak to me through. Lately, nothing...
I start to feel I'm just screwing up again, taking my life back from His hands. Seeking my will... There may be some truth in that but I'm not even being clear on His gentle hand of correction.
After a quick stop at the gym this morning, my body refusing to loosen up with stretching; I go down to the river where I sometimes pray and seek Him. I'm irritated that I have no energy, my body is feeling the 40 years it is. I still occasionally get zits, one near my neck hurts, that should have been over as a teenager. Zits and Age spots, great! My joy is sunken, I wonder what the heck I'm doing. I'm spending money like I have it to spend, I don't. I'm feeling insecure, lost confidence. Didn't even say hello to someone I wanted to at the gym, just kept to myself. There is just a lot swimming around up in my head and I'm really not sure how to break free...
I walk along the river, stretch a little more at a place I like to stretch my hamstrings, and I just watch the river flow... The thought crosses my mind (I'd say the Holy Spirit), "If we only knew..." There is so much to those few words. If we only knew the heart of God, all he longs to give us, all His desire towards us, all He has provided and prepared. But it comes down to "If We Only Knew Him and He Is"...
Suddenly the birds are singing again, a tiny bird lands a few feet from me and brings a smile to me as watch him peck around without a care in the world...
