Monday, March 02, 2009
Do We Dare Walk Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death... (Psalm 23:4)
As I walked with the Lord on my morning devotion Sunday I noticed how wrapped up I am in the events of this earth. Wondering about my tubing trip with my nieces and nephews, how to deal with my nephew Frank who couldn't go because he broke his leg sledding last weekend. Dealing with the downturn in business at both jobs. Dealing with disagreements and conflict with my boss, who is also a friend. My desire to still drink and use drugs. My living situation, move or stay. Going to my every other week commitment with my friend that had a stroke; after a day of sledding and being tired. The money owed me and the money I owe. Behind on the rent again, do I send another note to not cash the check till Friday. The friends I haven't called, the letters unwritten, and the endless struggle to keep going. Where do I get the heart to go on? All my passion is dried up and I just trying to stay moving so I don't die in the endlessness of it all.
It hit me how my time with God recently isn't about him at all, my heart is set on the things of this earth.
"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19-21)
And really I don't have much treasure here on earth, just a burden of debt; I so desire to break free of. But my heart is definitely not in heaven. I try to force myself to think of things above.
I remember a longing I once had for the fullness of God to be in my life, I read the scripture and wondered where is this abundant life Jesus talks about. I pursued it, wept, searched, read, prayed, and longed for all that God has to offer. But somewhere along the way, the world gained control of my heart again, and life was a burden, hope was lost, and I'm back where I started, struggling to break free.
I remember the book, Journey of Desire, by John Eldredge and how instrumental it was is bring my desire for God and all the He is, back to the surface. The desire of what is in heaven, above all the false hopes of this world. The desire to live even now in the fullness of Him.
I do not have the book, it is loaned out; so I borrow it from my older brother. Last evening I start to read. I get to the 3rd page or so and can't go any further. I know what story is about to be told and I know what longing it will bring to my heart. I start to weep, do I want to go here again, am I just going to be disappointed. Never finishing the race, falling down, and wandering off before the finish line never to have these desires fulfilled in my heart. That's all I've known, so it seems. Why hurt again.?
I put the book down, hoping to hear from God during my sleep, the tears sputter out and I go to sleep.
Now the tears are back this morning, I kneel to pray before I write this. I open up to a page 194 later in the book talking about Jesus from the book of Hebrews:
In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. (Hebrews 5:7)
I read to the end of the chapter. More tears, more weeping, more pain and unfulfilled longing...
I don't want to go here, I know I must. Will it end well or never end...
It hit me how my time with God recently isn't about him at all, my heart is set on the things of this earth.
"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19-21)
And really I don't have much treasure here on earth, just a burden of debt; I so desire to break free of. But my heart is definitely not in heaven. I try to force myself to think of things above.
I remember a longing I once had for the fullness of God to be in my life, I read the scripture and wondered where is this abundant life Jesus talks about. I pursued it, wept, searched, read, prayed, and longed for all that God has to offer. But somewhere along the way, the world gained control of my heart again, and life was a burden, hope was lost, and I'm back where I started, struggling to break free.
I remember the book, Journey of Desire, by John Eldredge and how instrumental it was is bring my desire for God and all the He is, back to the surface. The desire of what is in heaven, above all the false hopes of this world. The desire to live even now in the fullness of Him.
I do not have the book, it is loaned out; so I borrow it from my older brother. Last evening I start to read. I get to the 3rd page or so and can't go any further. I know what story is about to be told and I know what longing it will bring to my heart. I start to weep, do I want to go here again, am I just going to be disappointed. Never finishing the race, falling down, and wandering off before the finish line never to have these desires fulfilled in my heart. That's all I've known, so it seems. Why hurt again.?
I put the book down, hoping to hear from God during my sleep, the tears sputter out and I go to sleep.
Now the tears are back this morning, I kneel to pray before I write this. I open up to a page 194 later in the book talking about Jesus from the book of Hebrews:
In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. (Hebrews 5:7)
I read to the end of the chapter. More tears, more weeping, more pain and unfulfilled longing...
I don't want to go here, I know I must. Will it end well or never end...
