Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Post from August 2004
Part of what I wanted to do with this blog is post some e-mails that I sent out in bulk over the years to friends, family, and acquaintances. This was from August 2004 before I moved from San Antonio, TX back to Holden, MA where I currently live. Much has changed since then. My debt is at about $4000.00 and I start my first full time job with benefits since I lost my job in January 2004. I have worked many part-time and temp jobs since then but nothing with benefits. The way has still been hard but I have been taken care of and I can honestly say I have shared in some of the sufferings of Christ for Righteousness sake over the past year. A little less worry would have taken me a long way through the times of trouble.
E-mail from Late August 2004:
It’s been brought to my attention that I haven’t sent out any e-mails lately. I’ve thought about that and I know why that is the case. For quite some time (since I moved back to Texas in February) I have been undergoing a spiritual awakening and healing. I have experienced amazing power, comfort, and healing (spiritually and of the heart) from the Lord more in the past 6 months than in the past 13 years combined. It was easy for me to talk about such things, including the painful trials of tears that I was undergoing because they always led to more freedom and healing than I could have imagined. My heart was awakening and the times of joy and fellowship I had with the Lord were what I had been looking for. I knew I was on the path less traveled and it was leading to an “abundant life”. How could someone not talk about such blessings? Lately, it has not been so abundant, in my soul the dark clouds have rolled in, and the periods of sun are only as if the random ray of light breaking through the storm clouds that thicken overhead. My joy is sporadic at best and sadness and confusion are often my lot. Even physical pain have entered the picture in which my back is now worse that it’s been in over 4 years, I’ve also added a knee injury to the equation that makes it painful to go on my hikes through the woods where I would spend time with God in conversation, thought, meditation, and prayer. What I believed would be taken care of with a job to be able to pay my bills, has not happened, and now I am at the point of moving back home to Massachusetts where at least I can live rent free with family until I get a job and start paying back my debt. (Which in all honesty is about $15,0000, $5000 in personal loans, $5000 in credit, and $5000 (of disputable debt) to the IRS, I hate to admit all this but it’s true, between selling my car and cashing out my 401K I can pay back most of this, but I cannot get at my 401K because of issues I will not go into here, and my car has not sold yet, and it seems I may need it to move.) I am not looking for sympathy or help financially; I have put myself in this position because of poor money management when I was making more money than I could spend, and I also made some quick and foolish decisions with a tax accountant. I also would have been back to work already had I not had drug addiction in my past. I also have had the best summer of my life and enjoyed many of the benefits of all the travel I had done with my previous job to include free rental cars, hotel rooms, and airline tickets domestic and international. I have been to Israel, Abilene, Knoxville, Massachusetts several times, Hampton Roads, Jacksonville, and lastly the Grand Canyon. And because of so much hospitality from friends and family, and frequent flyer benefits, the cost of all of this was about $2000.00, the biggest cost being gasoline for the autos and hotels in Israel. To me that is pretty amazing and I am truly blessed and thankful.
I had a few people over last night and one of the verses in Scripture was 2 Corinthians 1:3-7:
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
I began to ponder the verse and think “What are my afflictions that I have been comforted in so that I can share that comfort with others.” The first thing that pops to mind is that most of my troubles if not all were of my own making. They were not afflictions brought on because of my faithfulness to Christ but rather my disobedience. Even drug addiction, Hepatitus C, and the one year miserable treatment I underwent last year for Hepatitis was brought on not because of persecution and afflictions but rather wild living, sexual immorality, and drug and alcohol abuse. Now I can testify about God’s mercy that he has shown me to even be able to write this letter (I should be dead), the forgiveness that has been given me, a clear conscience before God and man, and even the healing (my latest blood test shows no traces of the virus in my blood, Yeah!), but I have not even begun to know what it’s like to suffer for righteousness. Even my current struggles, are rooted in my past disobedience, even my back pain has a deviant story to it that I have told only a few trusted brothers. Now I will admit that many of my struggles, trials, and temptations were brought about by deception, lies, and trickery of the enemy, ignorance on my part, and a lack of any form of Godly upbringing; my childhood was not my fault, but as an adult I am responsible for own actions. God has healed and is healing my past, he has bound wounds of my heart that were very painful to venture into and given me a hope for a future I could never imagine. I think it’s time just to be Thankful for his Mercy, grace, and wonder and put off my temporary struggles, move back home (Lord willing), and get on with life.
I do not know where the road I am on now leads. I do not know how I will get out of debt. I do not know how or if my back will get better. I do not know where or when I will go back to work. I have more “I don’t know’s” than you can imagine, but I do know that I have been forgiven, am loved, and that the Lord has good plans for me, and maybe I can take rest in that “just for today!”
Matthew 6:25-34 ESV "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Or as verse 34 reads from the NIV:
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
E-mail from Late August 2004:
It’s been brought to my attention that I haven’t sent out any e-mails lately. I’ve thought about that and I know why that is the case. For quite some time (since I moved back to Texas in February) I have been undergoing a spiritual awakening and healing. I have experienced amazing power, comfort, and healing (spiritually and of the heart) from the Lord more in the past 6 months than in the past 13 years combined. It was easy for me to talk about such things, including the painful trials of tears that I was undergoing because they always led to more freedom and healing than I could have imagined. My heart was awakening and the times of joy and fellowship I had with the Lord were what I had been looking for. I knew I was on the path less traveled and it was leading to an “abundant life”. How could someone not talk about such blessings? Lately, it has not been so abundant, in my soul the dark clouds have rolled in, and the periods of sun are only as if the random ray of light breaking through the storm clouds that thicken overhead. My joy is sporadic at best and sadness and confusion are often my lot. Even physical pain have entered the picture in which my back is now worse that it’s been in over 4 years, I’ve also added a knee injury to the equation that makes it painful to go on my hikes through the woods where I would spend time with God in conversation, thought, meditation, and prayer. What I believed would be taken care of with a job to be able to pay my bills, has not happened, and now I am at the point of moving back home to Massachusetts where at least I can live rent free with family until I get a job and start paying back my debt. (Which in all honesty is about $15,0000, $5000 in personal loans, $5000 in credit, and $5000 (of disputable debt) to the IRS, I hate to admit all this but it’s true, between selling my car and cashing out my 401K I can pay back most of this, but I cannot get at my 401K because of issues I will not go into here, and my car has not sold yet, and it seems I may need it to move.) I am not looking for sympathy or help financially; I have put myself in this position because of poor money management when I was making more money than I could spend, and I also made some quick and foolish decisions with a tax accountant. I also would have been back to work already had I not had drug addiction in my past. I also have had the best summer of my life and enjoyed many of the benefits of all the travel I had done with my previous job to include free rental cars, hotel rooms, and airline tickets domestic and international. I have been to Israel, Abilene, Knoxville, Massachusetts several times, Hampton Roads, Jacksonville, and lastly the Grand Canyon. And because of so much hospitality from friends and family, and frequent flyer benefits, the cost of all of this was about $2000.00, the biggest cost being gasoline for the autos and hotels in Israel. To me that is pretty amazing and I am truly blessed and thankful.
I had a few people over last night and one of the verses in Scripture was 2 Corinthians 1:3-7:
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
I began to ponder the verse and think “What are my afflictions that I have been comforted in so that I can share that comfort with others.” The first thing that pops to mind is that most of my troubles if not all were of my own making. They were not afflictions brought on because of my faithfulness to Christ but rather my disobedience. Even drug addiction, Hepatitus C, and the one year miserable treatment I underwent last year for Hepatitis was brought on not because of persecution and afflictions but rather wild living, sexual immorality, and drug and alcohol abuse. Now I can testify about God’s mercy that he has shown me to even be able to write this letter (I should be dead), the forgiveness that has been given me, a clear conscience before God and man, and even the healing (my latest blood test shows no traces of the virus in my blood, Yeah!), but I have not even begun to know what it’s like to suffer for righteousness. Even my current struggles, are rooted in my past disobedience, even my back pain has a deviant story to it that I have told only a few trusted brothers. Now I will admit that many of my struggles, trials, and temptations were brought about by deception, lies, and trickery of the enemy, ignorance on my part, and a lack of any form of Godly upbringing; my childhood was not my fault, but as an adult I am responsible for own actions. God has healed and is healing my past, he has bound wounds of my heart that were very painful to venture into and given me a hope for a future I could never imagine. I think it’s time just to be Thankful for his Mercy, grace, and wonder and put off my temporary struggles, move back home (Lord willing), and get on with life.
I do not know where the road I am on now leads. I do not know how I will get out of debt. I do not know how or if my back will get better. I do not know where or when I will go back to work. I have more “I don’t know’s” than you can imagine, but I do know that I have been forgiven, am loved, and that the Lord has good plans for me, and maybe I can take rest in that “just for today!”
Matthew 6:25-34 ESV "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Or as verse 34 reads from the NIV:
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
